How to be the Best Dad in the Hospital When You are Having a Baby

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This blog is for the dads. So, moms, share it and send it to them! My sweet hubby has really set the bar high for how to be the best dad – maybe even the favorite – dad in labor & delivery and postpartum hospital wards. I am going to share all of his secrets here with you! (He says that if you play your cards right, they might even bring you root beer from the nurse’s lounge at 3am).

How to Pack a Hospital Labor Bag

HOW TO BE THE BEST DAD IN THE HOSPITAL WHEN YOU ARE HAVING A BABY

1. Be her calm in the storm. There is a good chance she will be feeling nervous, anxious and downright scared. You might be feeling all of those things too, but don’t show it! Let her draw calm and peace from your presence. Being the best dad, starts by being the best husband.
2. Wake when she wakes, and sleep when she sleeps. Solidarity goes a long way. The hospital is sometimes crazy busy and loud, and other times silent and slow and lonely. Labor can be a very very long and uncomfortable process, be WITH her during the process. Do not make her feel like she is going through this alone. No, there is nothing you can do, but again your peaceful, confident presence makes a big difference.
3. Coach and encourage her. Here are some good reminders
   • “Release the tension in your jaw, then your shoulders, and now your hands.”
   • Every 20 minutes, suggest to try a different position. Then help her get into a new position.
   • Remind her to drink water. Offer a snack and help her eat it.
   • Remind her to empty her bladder every hour or so.
   • Watch for tension in her face, hands, and/or feet. Encourage her to release that tension by gently touching that area.
   • 5 Powerful Reminders for When You Are in Labor
4. Provide lots of loving touches, oxytocin! Once the baby (or babies) are born, you will hear how important skin to skin is for the newborn to adjust. If they are premature, it will be even more important to regulate their body temperature, heart rates, and breathing. Just like skin to skin is important for the babies, physical touch is oh so important for the mommas too! Do not underestimate the power of your hand on her face, or hair, or feet or back. If you are helping her move through her contractions by swaying, or maybe rubbing some essential oils on her feet while she rests, or even just holding her head in your hand will def. make you the best dad on the labor & delivery and postpartum floor.
5. Advocate for her health and her choices with strong masculine energy. Here are some phrases that worked really well for my husband:
   • Can we give her thirty more minutes before we do that?
   • What does that mean? Can you explain that further?
   • Lets wait an hour before we try an additional method.
   • Do you mind giving us a few minutes to discuss this alone?
   • Let’s wait 30 minutes before we take that route.
   • *Once the baby gets here, it will be important to advocate for their health and welfare too. These phrases can totally be adapted for those situations as well.
6. Be lighthearted comedic relief. I personally, loved the lightheartedness my husband brings to labor and delivery. His jokes and antics make me laugh and keep me calm and distracted.
7. Remind her that she is strong, and that you believe in her and you know she can do this! Don’t comment on her pain threshold in a negative way. My husband would often even give examples of times he saw me being strong and overcoming hardship, it helped anchor me. Remember, there is power of life and death in your tongue. WORDS MATTER. Speak positivity, light, and health over your wife and your baby.
8. Do more than the nurses, you are her safe zone. Be hands on and help in every way possible. Know what the machines are and what they do. Ask “is that something you can show me how to do, and I do it?” Things like adjusting the doppler, watching the contractions on the screen, and checking that the iv tubes aren’t in the way while she’s moving through contractions are totally things you can do.
9. Be fully attentive and aware of every conversation. She is busy becoming a mother & overcoming the worst pain of her life, her brain isn’t fully working the way it normally would. You need to be her logic and voice of reason, and again advocate for the health and wellness of her and baby. Be her voice to the medical staff when she can’t (or they aren’t listening to her). For example: my husband had to advocate against things like the use of Pitocin, blood transfusions, and formula or even sugar water for the babies. (Nothing wrong with any of those things if it is what is right for your family, every situation is different. For us though, there was no reason for those interventions).
10. Be the narrator of what is happening if she can’t see what’s going on. We had to deliver the twins in the operating room on an operating table, with A LOT of personnel in the room on standby just in case something went wrong during the vaginal delivery, and we needed to shift gears to do a C-section. There were many times that I could not see what was happening with the twins because there was a whole team of nurses for each baby and they were across the room from the table I was on. My husband narrated the whole thing so that the room wasn’t filled with silence.
11. Be friendly and conversational to the staff. They will want to be in your room more if you are and as a result be more attentive to your spouse. Even if you are not outgoing, you can do this! Here are some ways to be “that guy”:
    • Know the names of the nurses, students and doctors who are working with yall
    • Ask questions about what is happening and be engaged with what they are doing. Ask what that is, why they do it, how to read the chart etc.
    • Be kind. Even when you are advocating for your wife and child with strength and confidence, be kind. You can even preface your comments with “I just want to make sure we are doing what is best for my wife.”
    • Ask questions about them. Beyond their name, find out how long they have been at that hospital, how long they have worked in L&D, do they have kids etc. We had several students working with us for the twins (because twin births are a little extra exciting) so my husband asked all about residency and even offered good advice like “don’t wait to start a savings account.”
    • Stand up when they enter the room and make eye contact and smile.
    • Get off your phone when they are in the room. If you must be on your phone (for instance my husband still had to manage his trading account during the day) let them know that’s what you are doing but that you can still listen!
12. Be educated on her birth plan and what she wants to happen AND be educated on the alternative routes and options for medical intervention should that birth plan not go as originally intended. If (or rather, when) things do not go the way y’all initially imagined, be there to help her be calm and confident about the new plan.
    • I always ask for NO IV, Pitocin, epidural, episiotomy, cervical checks, continuous fetal monitoring, or manual water breaks. I like the option to move freely, eat and drink as needed, and birth in any position I choose. However, that did not always happen.
    • I also ask for mother guided pushing and no rushing the process, delayed cord clamping, immediate skin to skin, skin to skin with dad for vital checks that are delayed until after mom breastfeeds and delivers placenta, exclusive breastfeeding, and no nursery time.
    • Only one out of three deliveries did I get to have it go according to my birth plan. Sometimes medical interventions are necessary. Make sure you go to a hospital and choose a team that you trust to make the soundest decisions for you and your baby!
    • Be confident and calm if things do not go as planned. Help your wife find peace with the new plan of action.
13. Go with the baby (or babies). Sometimes the baby has to go to the other side of the room, or sometimes even leave the room. Mom is usually bound to the room or the bed for a little bit, so plan on going with the baby. It will give her peace of mind knowing you are with the medical staff overseeing whatever is happening. If you are close enough, you can even narrate what is happening for mom.

These steps are important the whole time you are in the hospital, not just while your wife is in labor. So don’t think you can park yourself to the couch and tap out once the laboring and pushing is over! You will still need to be a present, strong, protector for your wife and child.

The amount of woman who say they had a birthing experience where things happened that they did not consent to is wild; pay attention. I do believe that MOST of the time nurses and doctors have the best interest of the mother and child at heart. But sometimes I fear that the professional staff acts in favor of speediness, and sometimes that is at the cost of good healthcare.

If you took the time to read this, that alone is proof that you care and caring about being a good father is the foundation of being a fantastic dad! GOOD LUCK! You are going to be the best dad ever.

xoxo Carmen